I have interesting conversations with late-diagnosed women with ADHD. It gives me so much clarity about my autism to see what sometimes feels like the exact opposite, even though I’m aware that many autists are AUDHD, autism that coexists with ADHD. I think I have as few traits of ADHD as you can get, and for most of my life, I believe this made my life easier and better because of my extremely good executive functioning skills. It’s mostly just different.
One of the big differences between autism and ADHD is the curiosity/adventure driver. I don’t think curiosity drives many of my decisions or actions. I have occasional curiosity, but because I dislike newness in activities and prioritize safety highly, I am very cautious. I was one of those children who watched other kids go down the slide before I went down myself. I was always watching to see if it was safe, and was never the first to try anything.
I like sameness and I like checking things off lists. I like the sense of accomplishment that comes with finishing things, so I rarely have projects that go unfinished for long periods of time. Once I start something, I almost always finish. I’m not easily distracted by other shiny things. This can be a very good thing, but it also has a downside. I tend not to ask myself if continuing in things is the right path for me, or if I should quit early and move on to something else. I want so much to finish.
It's been useful for me to talk about transitioning out of a strict, fundamentalist religion (Mormonism) also as an autist because I think my experience is very different than someone who has ADHD. I liked the rules and the check boxes of my religious experience. I liked much of the forced friendships because they enabled me to have relationships that I wouldn’t have had otherwise, especially as a child. I liked the sameness (even the boringness) of weekly religious service. It made me feel safe. I liked the structure and the designed meaning.
Leaving that religious world has been very difficult for me. I’ve had trouble making the same kinds of relationships that feel close and real. I’ve had almost no luck finding new meaning to my life and this has made me frustrated with those (many with ADHD, perhaps) who enjoy having no rules, no structure, and no one telling them what to do.
And then there’s the problem of questions vs. answers. I like having answers. I like things that are decided and firm and unmoving. To not know what my life will look like in the future is distressing to me. But it’s been helpful to talk to people with ADHD (and others) who find this is precisely what they love about living a life without strict religious rules.
This post gave me the chance to better understand some things about my spouse that I have guessed for awhile now. We are both neurodivergent -- I'm a self-identified autistic with ADHD, he's reluctant to adopt specific labels but is willing to embrace his neurodivergence. One of the differences we have is his tendency to want to adhere to structure/rules/group think and my complete rejection of same. I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian family, his was what I think of as casually Christian -- the kids went to Sunday school until they were about 12, when they quit; the mom played piano at her church, but also smoked and drank (in moderation). I left the church as soon as I left home at 18 and never looked back. He has been looking for his tribe his whole life. I don't feel the same need of the structure imposed by a group.
Thank you for the opportunity to see that some of the things about him that puzzle and bother me are quite probably part of his own neural path!
Oh man, I related to this so strongly. It is so difficult to embrace lack of structure, rigidity or clear answers and to realise that completion and refusing to quit are not always healthy paths. Thank you for writing this, I feel so seen!!