I remember when I was first diagnosed with autism that I had a discussion with a friend of mine who was diagnosed with schizophrenia. He could not understand why I would say that I didn’t want a cure, or that I felt like my brain was essentially autistic. He would do anything on the planet to get a cure for his schizophrenia.
I tried to explain to my friend that I had never experienced life without my autistic brain and that it felt like it was who I was, that trying to “fix” it felt like denying myself and was part of a life-long struggle I’d had with being trained to ignore my autism or to mask it as if shameful. That path led to madness and self-hatred.
I have two kids with ADHD, and I’m surprised at how often they express the wish that their brains didn’t work the way that they did. Hyper-focus can be a useful tool, but one they’d mostly trade in if they could have a brain that just worked with regular focus. They also often wish that they could do normal things more easily, that they didn’t have to work so hard at performing “normal” with so much effort. And then, of course, there is the reality that their brains want constant stimulation and this can annoy people around them as well as cause other problems.
So I realize now that it would be a lie if I didn’t admit to myself (and to you readers) that I often feel frustrated with my autistic brain. I often wish that I immediately got jokes without having to pause and try to guess whether someone is joking or not. I often wish that I didn’t take everything literally and that it didn’t take an extra pause for me to realize THAT isn’t what they meant. I often wish that I didn’t take offense so easily when people joke about my autism.
Even more often, I find myself wishing for other fixes to my brain that aren’t as commonly known with autism. I wish I could let things go more easily. I wish I could stop ruminating all the time on things in the past. My brain is very busy and noisy and it is constantly running scenarios of the future that aren’t pleasant, thank you very much. It tends to tell me everyone hates me and refuse to accept evidence to the contrary because it has a very well-laiden path of proof to the contrary.
Mostly, I wish that my brain was more reliable. Like, it is great when it is analyzing information and memorizing quickly. But the other stuff—not so much.
I can relate.