Does Autism Make Me Too Loud?

We are a very loud family. One of my in-laws sometimes gets out his phone to measure the decibel level. It is often above 100. Sometimes 120. This is very, very loud.

I’ve been in situations where I was told I was laughing too hard and too loudly at a movie theater (it was a comedy) and asked to leave. This has made me unwilling to go to movie theaters in public, at least where there’s a chance I might laugh.

Weirdly, I have also found that I do not laugh at home, even watching shows that I find funny. Other people will laugh out loud many times watching a comedy. I rarely do. I have no idea if this is because I don’t laugh out loud often or if it is because I’ve been told too many times that I laugh too loudly and have stopped doing it at all.

We are a neurodiverse group of people and we can be annoying. At restaurants, we try to not be as loud as normal at home, but are rarely successful. Sometimes people find it amusing, but mostly not.

I have also been told at work that I am too loud when I talk on the phone (which is all day, in a giant call center). I suspect some part of this is that I am deaf. My mother and her mother were both very deaf, and even though I got hearing aids young, I still struggle to hear everything with them, and it’s possible some of my being loud is compensation, though probably not all.

Even though I said we are a neurodiverse family, that doesn’t mean we all have the same neurodiversity. One of my kids is very sensitive to sound and struggles with the general volume of family talking. And also with me personally. I apparently unload the dishwasher too loudly. And prepare breakfast too loudly. And just slam the door and clunk around the house a lot.

I have begun to pay attention to my own noise making. I admit that in the past 53 years of my life, it never occurred to me that *I* was the problem. I remember when I moved out of my parents’ house and into a college dorm, I felt lonely sometimes because it was so quiet everywhere. I liked going home and going to church at home because that was the normal and comfortable level of noise for me. So, yeah.

I’ve been trying to look at this problem without being triggered into “I am a disgusting human being” and just think of it as a neurodiverse cross of sensitivities. Where I am absurdly conscious of the texture of nuts, the taste and oiliness of salad dressing, and the overly sweet flavor of any drink created by Americans, he hates my body noises. I also have some noise sensititivies, weirdly. Like, loud music is difficult for me. It hurts after a few minutes. Even softer music feels like an assault on my mind and emotions. It isn’t that I don’t like it. It’s just A LOT for me to take in.

It is so, so hard