Guide for the Gullible

Autists are gullible. It can be one of the most frustrating realities of being autistic, that we don’t properly guess at other people’s motives in social situations, and as a result, can be taken advantage of in a variety of ways. By salespeople whose only purpose is to get more sales, regardless of what lies they have to tell or whether or not the people they are selling to have money. But also in personal relationships, we autists can be very bad at understanding the non-verbal communication that seems so obvious to neurotypical people, and we take literally what people say to us, and do not guess that they are mocking us, laughing at us, or using us. I’m going to try to give a few tips here that I’ve found useful for avoiding these kinds of situations.

1.     Do not buy anything without spending an overnight cycle (or longer, depending on your situation) thinking about it. Also, consult other people about decisions to purchase especially large items from stores that have salespeople who earn money based on commission. And yes, it is entirely within your right to straight up ask people if they work on commission.

2.     I don’t normally think of myself as easily persuaded by social pressure. It’s one of the weird blessings of autism. I can’t tell what other people think is cool and so I’m often protected from noticing that what I naturally like isn’t what other people naturally like. However, I will say that there are a number of situations in which I am very susceptible to social pressure, and a salesperson in a store who is focused entirely on me is one of those situations. Ditto someone who comes to the door to sell cleaning products when they offer to do some cleaning for me to prove the value of their product.

3.     If someone acts suddenly solicitous to you who you have never noticed paying attention to you before, be suspicious. As a kid, I was frequently the target of people trying to get me to do their homework for them because I was academically gifted. But there are a variety of scams that people will try on you that don’t have to do with schoolwork.

4.     If someone tries to get you to buy something for them and gives you a sob story about how awful things are for them and how bad their life will be if you don’t help them, beware. They are likely lying. I don’t know that I think that confronting them about the lies is useful. Mostly my experience has been that they double down and insist and even offer you “proof.” Do not head this way. Just decline and move on.

5.     Do not make eye contact with panhandler asking for money. Do not give them money. I know this probably sounds cruel. I feel great empathy for the homeless and I donate to a homeless shelter monthly. But I can’t tell if someone who is panhandling is genuinely in need or if they’re just playing on my sympathy. I don’t want to give money to someone who is going to use it to buy drugs. I just don’t think that’s genuinely helpful to them, long-term. So it’s a no, I don’t make eye contact and I try to move past the situation as quickly as possible.

6.     If a family member or friend asks you for money, consider asking them to sign a contract (you can find them online) for a timeline on when to pay you back and an interest rate. This is less because you’re going to enforce the contract and more because you want to see if their motives are real.

7.     If someone gives you compliments about parts of yourself you are pretty sure that no one else values, consider the possibility that they are laughing at you and not genuine at all. Yes, they will say they’re genuine, but ignore them. Ignore people in general who show up one day suddenly and have not been there for you before.

8.     A person who offers you a “business deal” is likely to have nefarious motives. Anything that seems too good to be true is. If someone says that “all you have to do is x,” they are trying to scam you.

9.     Anyone who is offering you a special deal or a discount that has a limited time frame on it is lying. There is no reason that someone would pick you out of everyone on the planet to give a special offer to. Do not believe these claims.

10.  Pressured calls in general are not real. The IRS does not call you on the phone and demand money over the phone. Neither does a jail that claims to be holding a loved one.

11.  Working my job at a financial institution, one of the regular tests is an email that is sent from a bad address that looks ordinary, but is designed to get me to click on malware or to give information that I shouldn’t. No one should call and ask you to give them personal information. Hang up and call back into the number you know is real.

12.  New people in your life who seem to want to be friends are a special problem, because you don’t have a baseline to judge them against. Take it very, very slowly. Let them meet other people in your life whose judgment you trust more than your own. See what those other people say about this person. I’m not saying that you’re stupid and that you can never trust yourself, but be careful.

13.  Romantic relationships are the most fraught of all. Neurotypical people lie all the time during romantic encounters. It’s actually expected. If you don’t lie (and you probably don’t even know how to begin to do so), you’re going to be seen as either rude or just weird. Nonetheless, you need to find people who love you for you, and I admit, I don’t see a lot of point in hiding that up front.

14.  Slow down, as I’ve said before, but especially with romantic relationships. Someone who says “I love you” in the first few weeks of a relationship is probably not genuine. It can be especially hard for those of us who desperately want a romantic relationship and haven’t had one before to believe these bad actors. If they’re pressuring you to move too fast, there is something wrong. They likely want something from you that isn’t just romance.

15.  People who offer to “improve” you are people you may want to steer away from. They are often trying to sell you something, but even if they aren’t, these are not people who see you for the valuable person you already are. They are trying to pressure you into a “normal mold.” Sometimes this will come out in the form of trying to get you to lose weight or go to the gym, to have a “makeover,” to go clothes shopping with them, to “learn manners” or other lessons. It is one thing for someone to give a quick tip that is well-meaning and it is something else entirely when they want to change you into another person they think is better. Just say no.

16.  Sometimes people will think that you guess at their non-verbal communication. It can be hard to verify whether or not you have missed something because, well, you missed it. I find the best solution to this can be to ask someone if they really meant what they said. It doesn’t always work, but it can. You can also be upfront with your autism if you’re comfortable with saying, “I don’t parse non-verbal communication, so I need you to say what you mean in words.” Not everyone will respond to this, but if they refuse, it can be a good hint that they’re hiding something that isn’t good.

17.  If you have a problem with impulsivity and often buy things that advertisements tell you will make you happy, and then you find out that they don’t, think about what happened the last time and give yourself time to reconsider. Hear the theme here about time? And about asking other people their opinions?

18.  Maybe you have a friend who is really financially savvy. You might ask that friend for advice now and then (not too often, unless you are paying them.)

19.  Pay for services that you need. This isn’t just for autistic people. It’s about living in a kinder, gentler world. I want other people to be able to earn enough money to make a living doing what they’re good at. So I pay them. I don’t ask them to do things for free if I wouldn’t do those things for free for them. Remember that most relationships need to have a give and take. There shouldn’t be anything entirely one-sided, or at least not for too long.

20.  Of course, there are always people that we are going to give to without asking for anything in return. Just make sure that those people are small in number and that they are worth the gift. I think of my children this way, and sometimes they are grateful for my time and attention, but not always. Children and elderly grandparents are probably a special category that we give to without thinking of what we’ll get in return.

One of my friends told me recently that she loved that I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and that I was so automatically trusting of total strangers, that I was so authentic and honest in every interaction. Even though I’d been badly hurt and was tempted to become cynical, she begged me not to do that. It was one of the best parts of what made me me, or so she said.

Autists are often delightfully earnest and straight forward. We do not guess that other people want to hurt us and steal from us because we would never do that to them. We want people to like us because we like them. It is one of the sad realities of this world that autistic people, who are said to be unempathetic, are often the most empathetic people around. This is why we are often hurt and the victim of scams. I’m not trying to turn you into a suspicious person in general. You need to be able to trust to have good, long-term relationships. But you also have to be careful.