Holidays and Autists

The holidays can be a very stressful and difficult time for autists, leading to burnout, meltdowns, and shutdowns. It is the most neurotypical time of the year. Almost all of the parts of the holidays that people talk about loving are easier or even fun for neurotypical people. Not so much for autistic people. But even more pressure than usual is put on autistic people to perform as neurotypical and to mask any parts of themselves that need something different or that are overwhelmed. Then, almost inevitably, there’s a meltdown and it’s always the autistic person’s fault—because they are an asshole, not because they are autistic and needed accommodations.

Let’s talk about smells, for instance. You’d think everyone would like the smells of good things cooking. It’s pumpkin spice season, right? And turkey and ham and stuffing and rolls and pies—these are all GOOD smells. For God’s sake, why would anyone not like them? Not to mention the piney fresh smell of a real Christmas tree. But actually, even if an autistic person might like one or all of these smells, the combination of them all at once in the quantity that can happen during the holidays can be, well overwhelming.

Gift giving is another fraught area for autistics. On the one hand, it is socially unacceptable to point out that any gift is not wanted or that it might even be insulting (have you ever been gifted deodorant for Christmas? I have). And then we try to buy gifts for others, but we often fail. Sometimes this happens for the very simple reason that we don’t get hints. If you want an autistic person to buy you a gift, maybe offer them a list, possibly with links attached? Or ask them if they want a gift card and to where? But even after all that, it can be tricky to negotiate all of the other gifts that might/might not be expected. How is an autistic person to know if the neighbors expect a reciprocal gift or if extended family members do? What is the appropriate price limit if unstated? How does one guess if it’s too much or too little?

The actual parties or other socializing events can be excruciating for autists. I, for one, often would prefer to simply opt out of most of them, especially ones related to work or to people with whom I don’t have a close relationship. I want to save my limited social capacity for people who matter more to me. I really don’t understand why anyone would WANT to spend more time with co-workers after hours unpaid and over drinks. And yet, it can be expected to do so, even if everyone insists that of course it isn’t. Neurotypical people can struggle with these, too, but just imagine the extra weight that is on autistics to stand around, make small talk with near strangers, figure out how long is too long to stare at someone’s eyes, what clothing one can compliment and not, and what obvious romantic attachments must not be spoken about?

Children’s events often cluster around the holidays, concerts, plays, and also academic expectations that need to be attended to before the end of the year. Opting out for yourself is one thing, but if you’re an autistic parent of a neurotypical child, it can be particularly difficult to opt out for your child. Sometimes a solution might be to find another parent who wouldn’t mind adding to their group, but your child may always feel like you are making them left out and not “normal” if you take care of your own needs.

Christmas music is great, right? The best music ever. Except when it is too much, added to the smells and the voices and the lights and just everything. I like Christmas music, but in small doses and where I can control it. I have reached the point that I do not ever go to stores during the holiday season. Online shopping is a lifesaver for me in this area. I prefer not to go to stores in person at any time, but during the holidays it is especially important. I am very bad at not being lured in by salespeople who play on my need to feel like I am doing Christmas “right,” for one thing, and for another, I get a migraine after just a few minutes with a sensory assault that is probably intended to make other people stay longer in stores.

This is all to say that if you are recovering from the holidays, I see you. I know that neurotypical people in your life might not have any sympathy because from their perspective, you opted out of almost everything and you may be accused of “ruining the holidays” when you were trying to do exactly the opposite, not just for yourself, but for everyone involved. Just remember, you have almost a full year before it starts over again.