I Like Autistic People

When I talked to my mother (who is now 94) about my autism diagnosis, I remember her listening carefully and then saying, “Well, if that’s autism, then everyone I know is autistic. And I like autistic people.”

I laughed a little at this, because I suspect almost everyone in my immediate family growing up was autistic or ADHD or some other form of neurodivergent. My father was a computer scientist in the 1960s and might have been called “nerdy,” but was definitely more than that. All six of my brothers went into computer programming in the second generation of that wave, and they all range from nerdy to autistic. Two of the five girls are also computer programmers. The other three range from “only mildly nerdy” to “artistic nerdy.” Many of us have been diagnosed autistic at this point. Others have children or grandchildren formally diagnosed. Some are self-diagnosed (equally valid). Some reject the diagnosis in a way that makes me smile because of course they’re not autistic because “nothing is wrong” with them.

It is my experience that autistic people like other autistic people.

If you laughed at that joke, then you are probably also autistic. I like the sense of humor of most other autistic people. Largely because their sense of humor doesn’t rely on pop culture references, a social hierarchy that I don’t understand or agree with, and a whole range of racist/sexist/heteronormative assumptions that don’t make any sense to me.

I like other autistic people because they tend to have a strong sense of justice. I know that neurotypical people and the medical establishment in general see this as a kind of “black and white thinking,” but in my experience it isn’t black and white at all. It isn’t rigid, either, though that word is often applied to autistic people, as well. It is simply unapologetic and unrelenting. I want to find out what is the right thing to do in all situations. I want to make sure I don’t hurt other people. As a child, that meant that I was very good at following rules. As a teen, I would examine all the rules and decide which ones to follow and which ones not to follow. Now I just have my own set of rules that I follow very carefully, until I realize that one or another rule is wrong, and then I change immediately. I just don’t assume that other people’s rules make any sense or are morally righteous.

I like other autistic people because they have special interests. I love to hear about other people’s special interests. Genuinely. I can’t think of anything more pleasant than to listen to someone else rave about something they love (or occasionally that they hate). I find it relaxing because then I don’t need to worry about doing the “hmm” or making sure I do the right number of “eye contacts” or that I’m making enough comments to make sure the other person knows I’m listening. They’re happy to talk and they don’t need me to tell them I’m listening because I am. I believer I am actually quite a good listener. I just don’t do it the way that neurotypicals do. I actually listen. And so do other autistic people.

I like other autistic people because they don’t lie. I really, really like people who are not liars. I sometimes get confused between people who don’t lie and people who are cruel and say that they are being cruel because they don’t want to lie. But there is a very, very clear difference. I do not want to be lied to. I also don’t want people to be cruel to me. Autistic people are actually quite good at this distinction. This is partly because autistic people tend to care about similar things to what I care about (substance, not surfacey things) and so if they tell me a truth that a neurotypical person might consider mean (like that someone else dislikes me and it’s because I never laugh), I at least know what is going on.

Do you like autistic people? Maybe you are also autistic. My mother insists that she is not autistic and that I’m not, either. But I think that her response to my explanation is very telling.