When I was in elementary school, I sat at the front. In junior high and high school and college, I sat at the front of every classroom. And now, today, when I enter a meeting room at work or a room at a conference, I always ALWAYS sit at the front. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about why I do this. It isn’t really because I want to be seen. I often don’t want to be seen. I prefer being anonymous in many situations. But I still sit at the front?
Maybe it’s a habit. Maybe I started to sit at the front because I didn’t get glasses until I was in my teens and maybe I was having a hard time seeing the blackboard. Maybe it’s because when I was younger, I had this ridiculous idea that teachers liked the students who sat at the front and who participated (because teachers said out loud that this was true even though I learned not longer later that in fact, teachers hated it when I participated because that meant me correcting them about “facts” and also me apparently hogging all the time from anyone else who might have participated because I had no problem with talking—even if I had a problem with sharing the floor).
For autists, habits are difficult to break. Especially habits that we don’t see any particular reason to change. Change is hard. For me, I feel like life changes so much every day without me doing anything different myself that it’s already hard enough for me to cope with all those natural changes. Aging. Political changes. Environmental changes. The changes of people around me, who seem to like change.
But I suspect that sitting at the front has become a strange kind of disguise. I’ve found that unlike in elementary school, teachers do NOT look immediately to those seated at the front to give answers. They look toward the back, because they are doing corrective work of looking past the “easy answers” that people in the front might offer them. And so sitting at the front does the opposite of what it used to do. Instead of being a target for teachers who want to see hands raised before they call on someone, those who sit at the front are ignored. Which is precisely what I want.
Also, I observe that if you sit at the front, in the very front row, no one else is sitting there. This means that no one will touch you accidentally when they are sitting right next to you. No one will smile at you and require you make eye contact as they move pass you. And best of all, when I take out my knitting or crocheting, no one will make a fuss about you doing that because they will hardly notice it at all. You’re sitting at the front, which is what weird people do. So other weird stuff passes everyone by.
That’s interesting. I’m with you on not changing things that don’t need to be changed. But I always try to sit near the door of any room I’m in. I feel less trapped that way.