Stereotypes of autism include the following:
Nonverbal
Head-butting or rocking back and forth (stimming)
No eye contract, or avoidance of eye contact
Lack of empathy
Bluntness
Repetitive behavior
Violence reactions
Inability to change
Echolalia
Patterns
Special Interests
Meltdowns/tantrums
Difficulty sharing conversations or taking turns
All of these can be part of autism. I show some of these, but not others. Every autist is different and each of them will have different manifestations of neurodivergence. It is a mistake to imagine that because you've met one autist, you understand how autism looks. If another person tells you that they are autistic, you should accept their diagnosis and ask questions rather than responding immediately, “I know an autist and you are definitely not like him” (it is ALWAYS a him, let me assure you).
I always feel dread when someone accuses me of being unempathetic. This is not at all true. I am very empathetic. Sometimes I am overly empathetic. I struggle to watch sad movies or documentaries about tragedies. I cannot watch horror movies. I struggle to listen to music because the emotion it brings up is often overwhelming to me. But yes, I know that my face doesn't show the signals that neurotypical people expect when they interact with other neurotypical people. I don't do body language the “right” way. And it's also true that I don't always anticipate what other people feel in the moment, or what their reaction will be to something that I say. I am often blunt. I know this. I do not mean it to be offensive. I would never hurt someone on purpose. I am trying to get information across quickly and efficiently, which I think is kind and respectful but I know does not always come across that way.
Much of what is known about autism in America is driven by the Autism Speaks organization, which is well-funded, but is run mostly by those who are autism-adjacent: parents, therapists, counselors, doctors. Those within the autism community often have a visceral hatred of this organization, including the “puzzle” symbol or anything else. The idea of ABA, a kind of training to be normal, is also hated, often because autists were themselves put through an extreme version of this. I can have a conversation about modern ABA without getting triggered, but that is partly because I never went through formal ABA. Please forgive those of us who cannot talk about it. They have good reasons. Any discussion of autism as a disability is tricky, as well, because most of us feel that our autism has a good side, and that whatever disability it has is because society is prejudiced and unwelcoming of our differences.
We autists are tired of seeing videos taken by moms of autistic kids asking for sympathy for the tantrums or meltdowns that were caused by these moms forcing their autistic kids into situations that are over-stimulating and unempathetic. We often get tired of being told that WE are the unempathetic ones, when it is clear that what we need is dismissed and we are constantly being forced to do things that are difficult for us and then mocked or recorded when we have what is a normal reaction to stress, at least for us. Moms who want sympathy for their kids not wanting to go to Prom, or not wanting to participate in sports, feels to us like we are being told that our lives have no value if we can't pretend to a norm.
We want to be able to ask for accommodations in situations where we get overstimulated. We want to be seen as valuable members of society. We want to be seen for our virtues and flaws, just like anyone else. We want better representation of ourselves as autists in all our various glories. We want to be loved as we are, and to be allowed to be parents without interference. We want to be able to get support and to be paid well for what we do well.
Thank you!