Tell Me If This Person is Autistic
I get a lot of people asking me, when they find out that I’ve been diagnosed with autism and write about it frequently, if such-and-such relative is autistic.
“They don’t care what anyone thinks.”
“They have zero empathy.”
“They just blurt out the rudest things.”
“They refuse to go out in public with me.”
“They have a monotone voice and sound like a robot.”
“They have the worst imaginable manners.”
“They move so awkwardly, are clumsy and are terrible at sports.”
“They are obsessed with a very strange thing and talk about it incessantly.”
“They can’t stand to read books out of order.”
“They’ve never been on a date even once in their life.”
“They make no accommodations for other people.”
I sigh and try to do my best to respond to these without directly pointing out that the person asking the question is expressing a disdain of autistic characteristics and even acting as if anyone with autism is less than fully human. Because I am autistic, do they remember that? And while there are things about being autistic that are annoying and things that I wish I could change, I don’t hate myself. I’ve lived with myself as an autist, even though undiagnosed, for most of my life, and if you ask me, it’s neurotypical behaviors that make no sense and often show a lack of empathy for anyone neurodivergent.
Being autistic doesn’t mean that you have no empathy, though it can mean that you don’t notice social cues and don’t realize that other people are offended by your behavior. But being an asshole is not actually diagnostic criteria for autism. You can be autistic and an asshole. You can also be autistic and not an asshole. You can be not autistic and an asshole. Lots of choices there.
I used to go around diagnosing other people with autism right and left. This was in the early days, just before I realized I had it myself. These days, I’m a little more cautious about diagnosing people I’ve never met and only heard about with a spectrum disorder. It really is something best left to a specialist (or to the person themself).
What I find myself doing instead of offering a diagnosis is to ask other questions about the behavior that is troublesome and suggest that there might be reasons behind it that aren’t apparent.
Do they struggle with words and verbal communication?
Do they often seem in their own world?
Do they have special interests that they talk about even when other people are trying to get away?
Do they laugh at jokes easily?
Do they follow general cultural trends?
Do they struggle with noise and other sensory issues?
What is behind that behavior that annoys you? Have you ever asked about it?
What happens when you ask them not to do a certain thing? Can they stop? Do they try but are unable to?
I’m not going to be on your side if you assume that someone who has autistic traits is of course someone who should change and do what you consider more normal or more socially appropriate. I’m going to try to explain autism to you from the inside. My job these days is to try to show you our humanity. We are very, very human, even if you can’t see that part of us from first glance, or past our annoying behaviors.